Thursday, November 04, 2004

Molestesaurus: The Eighth World Wonder

Seven dollars teen. That's the amount of ransom there was for the hide of Nomad. An indigenous tribe to the area, the Whatchalukinats were the high bidder, and in a free market, we all know how competitive their bids can be. Although thought to be the eighth wonder of the world, the giant beast, which was the guardian of the Whatchalukinats territory, actually only had hormone problems. Described to the layperson as a cross between a wooly sheep and a ostrich, with a touch of giraffe, the molestesaurus was quite the anomaly. It was quite startling at first glance, with a neck like a giraffe, a stand of wool 6 feet deep, and long bird legs such as an ostrich. You might think it was a mammal, but it was not. More related to the koala and the marsupial family, not in the fact that it had a pouch, but that its grandfather made it with a kangaroo and thus the beast was born.
Now, for the intermission. The unknown hilarity of the beast in discussion is not that of its enormously long neck, but that of its enormous coat of wool. The beast, in the depth of winter, carries around a coat of wool approximately 6 feet deep, which weighs around 200 pounds. Now, you might think that this wool could be used for clothing, quilts, seat cushions, steering wheel covers, wigs, cups, cubes, boobs, tubes, boob tubes, tudes, crudes, and cauliflower. You'd be wrong. This wool is unusual in the fact that it is more closely related to Brilo in texture. Not because its grandfather made it with a steel wool. I know you were thinking that. I've already told you that the grandfather hit it with a kangaroo. Get it straight.
Shortly following the purchase of the Nomad hide, my sidekick and I purchased small amount of land near the shore to retire to. However, since myself and he are both only 15 years past our 15th birthday, we still have more than 15 years to go until we may retire to our 15 acres on highway 15 in the 15th state to join the union. One might think that Kentucky has no shore front property, but you'd be wrong. The bluegrass state, although mostly known for its inbreeding and horse competitions, also carries some of the most secretive shoreline property in the country.
What does all of this have to do with Nomad's hide? Only the fact that Nomad rhymes with Kentucky quite well. You have to say them just the right way, but they do. Nomad-Kentucky. You don't have to be Seuss to figure that one out. Crabapple.










1 Comments:

At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn I was going to buy a new Hummer in late 2012 and drive around the country for a vacation, Now I am going to have to shave my head and join the Hari.s, Muslims, Jews, Jehovah s, Mormons, Christians, and a few other wing nut groups just to cover all my bases.
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